How did grief change me? Let me count a few ways....
After my Dad passed away, my husband and I spent two months in Alabama taking care of the farm and estate. When we returned to Texas, I was clingy, needy, and would not let my husband out of my sight. I was TERRIFIED he would die if we were not together. I just could not bear the thought of another loss. So we were together A LOT. By the grace of God, we were on our sabbatical from work so we were already always together. God had already made a way. Even now, six years since my Mom passed away and a year and a half since my Dad, I am still overcome with panic at times that something may happen to my beloved. But I recognize that Benson belongs to God, who loves and cares for him inexpressibly more that I do or can possibly understand. I want my beloved's life in His hands. When I feel fear coming, I just pray and say, "Jesus!" Fear flees at His Name.
My personality has changed. I used to thrive on being around people and being on the go all the time. The thought of having downtime made me cringe. But now, I am more introverted and find much joy and energy in just being at home. I really enjoy "Me" time.
If something crosses my mind, I must be able to locate it quickly. If I cannot find it, I will panic. This revolves around anything of my parents I brought back to Texas or anything they gave me. A few weeks ago, I randomly thought of my softball glove. My parents bought it for me when I was in my young teens. It is at least 20 years old. I thought it was on a bookshelf but it wasn't and I began to desperately hunt for it. Within a few minutes, I found it in a closet and all was well. Oh my mercy. This drives me crazy. It is like these things strengthen my connection to my parents and makes the memories so real. It may seem silly that a ball glove could put me in a tizzy but when you only have a few things left of your parents, you tend to find much joy in them.
My health. Dear Jesus in Heaven. This is where I have had to learn to have a DEEP trust in God. My health did not cause me concern before my parents died. Since my parents died from the same cancer, I have at times lived in fear of the same fate. This was especially true after my Dad was diagnosed in November of 2016. I have had genetic testing completed that showed no increased risk in any cancer I was tested for, praise God! But every now and then, the enemy will try to debilitate me with fear that I could have cancer. I have abdominal scans twice a year to be preventative. I try to eat healthy. I drink water like a camel and slowly getting better about exercising. I know that the Lord has numbered my days and He is working for my good and anything that happens, happens because He allows it to be. So I just pray for the Lord to take my thoughts captive and to increase my faith in Him.
While I would love with every fiber of my being for my parents to still be alive, God has used their deaths for my good. I still doubt and wrestle and question. I still lament from time to time. But I have found it is good because it draws me near to God. So my grief journey is ongoing but moving. I am changed and still changing but it is ultimately sanctifying me more into the image of Christ. So I see through eyes touched by grief which helps me have more empathy for people, more discernment for what is really going on, and more compassion to just sit awhile.
Grief is not our enemy even though it feels that way at times. It becomes a part of who we are. You are not alone. Know there is hope. You are loved. And if you need someone to validate how you feel and even help you feel "normal," just let me know. We are in this together.
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