How grief changed me

Six years ago today, I began a different journey. I knew 11 weeks before that my Mom was going to die. Watching her courageously fight cancer changed my life. Her death did as well. Four years later, my Dad would die. I was with both of my parents when they took their last breaths. I was more prepared for what was to come after my Dad passed away but practice does not make perfect when it comes to grief.

How did grief change me? Let me count a few ways....

After my Dad passed away, my husband and I spent two months in Alabama taking care of the farm and estate. When we returned to Texas, I was clingy, needy, and would not let my husband out of my sight. I was TERRIFIED he would die if we were not together. I just could not bear the thought of another loss. So we were together A LOT. By the grace of God, we were on our sabbatical from work so we were already always together. God had already made a way. Even now, six years since my Mom passed away and a year and a half since my Dad, I am still overcome with panic at times that something may happen to my beloved. But I recognize that Benson belongs to God, who loves and cares for him inexpressibly more that I do or can possibly understand. I want my beloved's life in His hands. When I feel fear coming, I just pray and say, "Jesus!" Fear flees at His Name.

My personality has changed. I used to thrive on being around people and being on the go all the time. The thought of having downtime made me cringe. But now, I am more introverted and find much joy and energy in just being at home. I really enjoy "Me" time.

If something crosses my mind, I must be able to locate it quickly. If I cannot find it, I will panic. This revolves around anything of my parents I brought back to Texas or anything they gave me. A few weeks ago, I randomly thought of my softball glove. My parents bought it for me when I was in my young teens. It is at least 20 years old. I thought it was on a bookshelf but it wasn't and I began to desperately hunt for it. Within a few minutes, I found it in a closet and all was well. Oh my mercy. This drives me crazy. It is like these things strengthen my connection to my parents and makes the memories so real. It may seem silly that a ball glove could put me in a tizzy but when you only have a few things left of your parents, you tend to find much joy in them.

My health. Dear Jesus in Heaven. This is where I have had to learn to have a DEEP trust in God. My health did not cause me concern before my parents died. Since my parents died from the same cancer, I have at times lived in fear of the same fate. This was especially true after my Dad was diagnosed in November of 2016. I have had genetic testing completed that showed no increased risk in any cancer I was tested for, praise God! But every now and then, the enemy will try to debilitate me with fear that I could have cancer. I have abdominal scans twice a year to be preventative. I try to eat healthy. I drink water like a camel and slowly getting better about exercising. I know that the Lord has numbered my days and He is working for my good and anything that happens, happens because He allows it to be. So I just pray for the Lord to take my thoughts captive and to increase my faith in Him.

While I would love with every fiber of my being for my parents to still be alive, God has used their deaths for my good. I still doubt and wrestle and question. I still lament from time to time. But I have found it is good because it draws me near to God. So my grief journey is ongoing but moving. I am changed and still changing but it is ultimately sanctifying me more into the image of Christ. So I see through eyes touched by grief which helps me have more empathy for people, more discernment for what is really going on, and more compassion to just sit awhile.

Grief is not our enemy even though it feels that way at times. It becomes a part of who we are. You are not alone. Know there is hope. You are loved. And if you need someone to validate how you feel and even help you feel "normal," just let me know. We are in this together.

Pick up your megaphones

"Murmuring thanks doesn't deny that an event is a tragedy and neither does it deny that there's a cracking fissure straight across the heart. Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God."

I know pain and I know loss. I know the deepest of aches and have felt such gut wrenching sorrow. But I also know that God is so, so good. I know the sweetest joy and I have a constant peace. My canyon of pain has been transformed into a mountain of hope and I want to tell everyone about my Jesus!

Friends, pick up your megaphones. Even if you have to whisper, let’s share with others that God is always good and they are always loved. Make much of Him and make disciples. To God be the glory!

Mother’s Day

To the hearts hurting as Mother's Day approaches,

I am right there with you. I know the tender pain one date on a calendar can bring. Regardless if the ache is recent or years old, this day can be hard to trek through. I want you to know you are not alone. And that it is ok if you are incredibly sad. And it is ok if you are filled with joy. This is the first Mother’s Day since my Mom died that I have more joy than grief and I feel like I can take a deep breath and exhale peace. I used to run from memories in an effort to protect myself from deep pain. But now I want to remember. It took me years to reach this place. Wherever you are on your journey, you have permission to feel however you want to feel. I also want you to remember that you are not motherless. I am still a daughter to a remarkable mother even though she is no longer journeying on earth. She will always be MY mom. If you are grieving through the loss of a child, you are not childless. That sweet baby you didn’t even get to hold, only held briefly, or that child you didn't have near enough time with is still YOURS. To those who desperately desire a baby, to be called "mom" but have not been able to get pregnant, you are remembered. Every month that passes may feel like a reminder of what you do not have. You are not alone. 

This day, a day some dread throughout the year, can be horribly painful. We grieve together. I'm right there with you. I wish I could say something that would bring healing, that would lessen the ache. I wish I could just squeeze you. Please know that we are walking this journey together. You are very much remembered, especially on this day. So, take a deep breath. And keep putting one foot in front of the other. May God give you strength to press on. You are so loved. ❤️

All things new

We have a large tree in our backyard that remained naked until a few weeks ago. It withstood a hard winter that stripped away most of its life. I noticed tiny green blooms beginning to emerge. Within a few days, it was clothed with beautiful green leaves. Maybe you’ve been in a long, hard season. And you have desperately wanted to feel better, for things to just be better. Life hasn’t been fair. You’ve experienced difficult changes and your new normal just isn’t working for you. You feel stuck in your sadness, anger, bitterness. 

Friends, Jesus is in the business of making all things new. Let’s press into a new season of hope. Let Jesus be your strength. You cannot change what has happened. But you can allow Jesus to enter into the hard and ugly with you. You are not alone. And you are so, so loved.