Navigating the holidays this year

I love Christmas. I love everything about it. Beginning November 1^st, I want to watch all of the Christmas movies and have all of the Christmasy feels. When I was a child, my Mom made Christmas special every year. It was the biggest holiday in our home. We put up the Christmas tree together with the same ornaments every year. I would so carefully separate everyone’s presents into piles to make unwrapping on Christmas Day fast and easy. And, of course, count them to make sure my brother did not have more presents than me. Ha! We left cookies and milk for Santa Claus. I even remember one year, my parents took us outside to show us reindeer tracks. On Christmas morning, my brother and I would wake up obnoxiously early to go see all the presents Santa brought to us. Santa would kindly put our gifts into the piles I so diligently created. After we woke up our parents, we would destroy the wrapping paper and gift boxes to see our wish lists come to life. Christmas day was the best!  

Christmas 2012 was as wondrous as when I was a child. Not that the years before were sub-par, but that particular year was special. My Mom had been sick for three months but was feeling better. Honestly, you would not have known she was even sick. It seemed that she had random stomach issues that were on the mend. She had lost weight and had a younger, energetic spirit. She just felt normal for the first time in months and she was enjoying every bit of it. We celebrated as a family with such joy and happiness. All the while not knowing that cancer was invading and killing her body.

The holidays can be hard. Traveling, cooking, cleaning, shopping, entertaining, balancing and refereeing the many personalities in one room. It can be a lot. And especially if you have experienced a loss. I know. I have been there. I am there. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my Mom’s death were really hard for me to navigate. The grief was still so raw. How do we celebrate and do all the things we did with her, without her? 

I can approach the holidays with bitterness, resentment, and sadness. I can mope, and groan, and begrudgingly be present but not. I can miss out on the beautiful gift of family and memories because I allow my grief to consume me instead of taking charge of it. Or I can approach the holidays with gratitude, love, and hope. I can choose to be thankful even when I may not feel it. I can choose to BE. ALL. THERE. because next year, someone may not be. I can be OK with not having it all together because I cannot bear the thought of not being together. I can enjoy and be glad and receive every moment as grace. Because those moments pass so quickly and I want to receive them as they really are, gifts.

Friends, let us pray this verse as we enter the holiday season: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). Let us strive to count it all joy and to truly, emphatically believe that God is good, He is for us, and that we are desperately loved. Let us overflow with hope this year.

He gave us Jesus

I spoke about my Mom today. About how courageous she was in facing death because of the peace she had in her Savior. About my own journey of navigating her cancer diagnosis, her death, and then learning to live without her. It is weighty. Some days far more than others. And that is ok because it beckons me to the Savior she loved. And the Savior I love and adore.

I do not know why hard, unimaginable things happen. Why several friends have experienced the deep pain of miscarrying. Why parents have to bury their children. Why cancer robs a family of a parent when they are in the prime of their lives. Or any other grief. I do not have answers. But what I do know is that our God is a good, good Father and He protects us far more than we will ever realize. I have experienced so much joy in my grief journey just by believing that God is good and He is for me and that I am so desperately loved. And that it is ok to grieve. It is ok to be raw and transparent before the God who knows me so intimately.

Help those hurting just by remembering. Remember that date on a calendar that they dread all year long. The one that brings memories and emotions that make it hard to breathe. Come alongside them and just be present. Let them know that you have not forgotten. That can make all the difference in those hard moments.

 "If God did not withhold from us His very own Son (Romans 8:32), will He withhold anything we need? He gave us Jesus. If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough?" (Ann Voskamp)

An update on our new season

Two months ago, I shared that my husband and I resigned from our jobs and were going to take a few months off to rest and just enjoy life. We spent three incredible weeks in Sweden, Norway, and Ireland. Once I am able to go through the thousands of pictures I took, I will share them. :) Guys. If you have an opportunity to travel, do! It is such a magical, glorious experience! We have two more fun trips planned this year and then we will be home for a while. I am about ready to be stationary. Within just over 24 hours of returning from Europe, I traveled to Alabama/Georgia to spend two weeks with my Dad to help him recover from surgery. I was back in Texas for four weeks and then we traveled back to Alabama/Georgia because my Dad needed another surgery. Next week, we will know if all of the cancer is gone. Praying friends, keep praying! My Dad is such a warrior!

That is a pretty good update on the past two months. We are hoping to rest for the remainder of the year and then begin to build our businesses come January. I have no words to describe how precious this time is with my husband. My heart is bursting with joy to share this beautiful season with him! Recently, I began writing my book so that was empowering to me. I have also been reading and learning quite a bit regarding issues related to my field. We are finding ways to get more plugged in at church and looking for opportunities to minister in our community. I am striving to be intentional with visiting with friends and connecting. It is easy to get lost in relaxation and be too "lazy" to get dressed and go out. I am not wanting to get caught up in to-do lists or the pressure of self-expectations. I just want to find joy in meeting some of my goals in the midst of resting.

It has been the sweetest joy to see all the ways God has paved this path for us and His provision in preparing us for this season. Because we are not working, it was easy to leave for three weeks to help my Dad. What a gift! To God be the Glory!

*Jeremiah 17:7-8*

We did a thing

 My husband and I did a thing, a BIG thing. We longed for it for years. We prepared for it for months. Prayed a lot. And then we took a giant leap of faith and just did it. We sold our house. And then we quit our jobs.

 I know, I know. It sounds crazy. But guys, it is going to be such a beautiful part of our journey!

In a week, we are heading back to Europe for three weeks. This time we are going to enjoy the fresh fall air and lush beauty of Sweden, Norway, and Ireland. We are so excited that we are already packed!

When we return, we are going to R E S T. Refresh. Become rejuvenated. We are going to stay up late and sleep in. Netflix will become a good friend of mine. We want to spend more time working out and becoming the healthiest we have ever been. We want to volunteer and spend more time helping others. We want to spend more time with our families, both here in Texas and in Alabama. We also want to become more active in our church. We yearn to grow so much deeper in our faith.

We want to accomplish our own personal goals. I want to finish writing a book. I also want to start my own counseling practice. My husband plans to build upon his business and grow it. Our great hope is come January, we will not have to go back to work but will be our own bosses.

I am most excited about all the time I will have with my beloved. I will not be apart from him for 9-10 hours a day while at work. I will literally have every moment with him. I am weepy just thinking about it!

 There is so much good and lovely in store! And God has overwhelmingly blessed us and shown us His favor over and over and over.

 I cannot wait to keep updating on how it is going!

Good Friday and second opinions

 I did not intentionally plan to post on Good Friday. But as I write, there is so much beauty in this story being told today. That Friday, Good Friday, would not have been called "good" by those who loved Jesus. I would imagine that they were devastated by what they witnessed: floggings, beatings, ridicule. And then to witness Jesus crucified, hung in shame for all to see. In those moments, I imagine they felt hopeless, despair. Sunday was coming. Hope was coming. But they could not yet
see it, believe it.

On November 23rd, the day before Thanksgiving, my Dad was told he had stage IV lung cancer. My husband and I had flown in days before to be with my Dad as his GI doctor had already shared with him that a biopsy came back positive for cancer cells. I knew it would be bad. The cancer was found in his liver but it did not originate there. Because we had walked a similar journey with my Mom only three years prior, I knew the oncologist would say, out loud, "stage IV." I tried to prepare myself but you can only prepare yourself so much to hear devastating news. Stage IV lung cancer. A year to live WITH treatment. The oncologist wanted to start my Dad on immunotherapy right away. They wanted to schedule to put the port in within the next few days.

My Dad went in believing that the doctors were wrong. He felt great. When the nurse and oncologist asked my Dad if he was still able to perform basic functions like bathe himself or walk without assistance, he looked at them like they were crazy and told them he felt better than he had in years. That is how bad the cancer appeared on scans. So bad that my Dad should not be able to even bathe himself. But yet, I was looking at a man who was healthy, energetic, and ridiculously positive.

 A second opinion was a definite. With the direction and guidance from dear friends, we took my Dad to Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Newnan, GA. We were impressed from the moment we arrived. Everything went so smoothly. Their system runs like a well oiled machine. They know their stuff. After a few days of tests and scans, my Dad met his oncologist. The scans had not changed. They still showed large tumors on his liver and gall bladder. The doctor was honest with my Dad and with us. Without treatment, my Dad would live six months and suffer as horribly as my Mom did. That was the bad news. The good news is that his first diagnosis was wrong. My dad did not have stage IV lung cancer. There was no cancer in his lungs. Guys. This was HUGE. This was huge on so many levels. Instead, my Dad was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma. It was still stage IV. It was still not good. It is actually the same cancer my Mom had. We saw how horrible it was firsthand. It is an incredibly rare cancer and the odds of spouses having it are astronomical and practically unheard of. But. We had hope. They gave us hope. My Dad's oncologist believed my Dad could beat it. So we had hope. My Dad started treatments immediately. The plan was to do radiation and chemo in an effort to shrink the tumors enough so he could have surgery to remove a large portion of his liver. For five weeks, he had radiation and wore a chemo bag in his port five days a week. He made countless trips to Newnan, GA, staying overnight as needed.  In the middle of February, my Dad had a scan. The first one since he started treatment early December. I am weepy as I write this. The scan showed that 50% of his cancer was gone! He will not even need surgery! It is truly remarkable. Truly miraculous.

I am still grieving my Mom's death. I miss her so much it aches. The possibility of walking a similar journey with my Dad was almost unbearable. It was as if I was a Good Friday observer, feeling a sense of hopelessness and despair. But we have experienced many Sundays. Many days and moments of incredible hope and confidence that God is working for my Dad's good.

I could write a novel about this whole experience. But today, I want to focus on how this story can save someone's life. My Dad received the wrong diagnosis. Had he not gone for a second opinion, I am not sure if my Dad would still be with us. The immunotherapy treatment the first oncologist wanted to use would not have touched the cancer because it does not treat my Dad's cancer. It works magically on other cancers but not my Dad's. Friends, please do not settle for one diagnosis. Get a second opinion, a third opinion. Do your research. This is especially true if you live in a smaller town and only have access to a limited number of doctors.

My Dad is now taking an oral chemo pill and will have another scan within the next few weeks. I am looking forward to my Dad calling to tell me that he is cancer free. We know it is a matter of when and not if.

On this Good Friday, we can face anything because God did not spare even His own Son. The darkest of days is still good because God is not withholding any good from us.