Brittany Maynard and My Mom

My heart was very heavy last night as I read articles that stated the same thing: Brittany Maynard ended her life on the day she had set aside to be her last. I wept. The pain was so overwhelming for someone I had never met. I empathized with her. I ached for her. I have been married almost five months to my best friend. We have dreams and experience tremendous joy as we look forward with great expectations to what God has for us. Brittany had only been married a little over a year. She and her husband were trying to start a family together. She was told that not only did she have cancer but was only given a short time to live. She was 29 yrs old. I just turned 31. This alone causes me much grief.

I empathize with her not just from age or season of life (newly married) but from walking a similar journey neither of us would have chosen for ourselves. My Mom was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma in March of 2013. It is a rare cancer and by the time symptoms begin showing, it is almost always fatal. My Mom was given 3-6 months to live. She, like Brittany, could have received radiation treatments. But not to heal their bodies; only to buy time. My Mom chose to not endure the side effects of radiation but instead enjoy the time she had left. And she, too, wanted to die at home and not in a hospital.

Let me stop there and tell you that before March 2013, my perspective of Brittany's decision would have been very different. I would have lacked an understanding that I have now. I would have been quick to condemn her choice and would have likely wondered how in the world someone could do what she was choosing to do. Not now.

My Mom endured excruciating pain as the cancer destroyed her body. At one point, she was given the amount of morphine that is only administered in a hospital setting. And she was still in horrendous pain. She vomited everything that went in her body, including water. She tried so hard to be independent. She just wanted to live. Eventually, she would not be able to walk on her own or at all. Her final days were spent in what was almost like a coma but she was aware of her surroundings. She could not speak or move. She could not eat or drink. I cannot even express how unbearable it was to see her like this. I begged God to take her, to end her suffering. And on May 31st, He did. And I was by her side when she took her last breath. As well as her sister, my Aunt, who had selflessly put her life on hold to care for my Mom for almost three months.

My Mom did not face death with fear. She was so brave. She was confident in the hope she had and her peace was grounded in knowing her salvation in Christ was secure. My Mom wanted to die with dignity. She did not want people to see her as she withered away. She did not want to be debilitated by the cancer, to face the excruciating pain she knew would come. She did not want to lose the ability to care for herself, to have to be fed, bathed, changed by someone else.

I am so thankful that my Mom chose to endure and eventually overcome. Because she did overcome. She is no longer suffering and her body is whole. I am so thankful that my Aunt and I were by her side when she took her last breath. I am thankful my Mom ran the race, the whole race, and gave it all she had. I have thought about my Mom as I have reflected on Brittany's decision. I have wondered what it would have been like if my Mom had chosen at some point to die sooner than later. By the time she was diagnosed, my Mom was very sick. But cancer is tricky. There was about 4-6 weeks after being diagnosed, she functioned quite well. She was weak but was still able to maintain a good part of her independence. She was suffering terribly but able to push through the pain. Some days, we were so hopeful and even questioned if the doctors were right b/c my Mom seemed to be doing well. The last 3-4 weeks, though, we knew she was nearing the end. There is at no point during these 10 weeks that I would have wanted to miss out on any of it. It was my Mom's journey and even though it was filled with pain that cannot be measured or expressed, it was also filled with extraordinary faith, unshakeable hope and enduring love.

I was so scared that I would never remember my Mom before cancer. That I would always see her after cancer had destroyed her body. I feared I would forget what she looked like. But her broken body, destroyed by the ugliest of cancers, is beautiful. And it is an unrelenting picture of bravery and courage.

I do not condemn Brittany for the decision she made. I cannot imagine the weight she carried in making that decision and even more so, in taking the medicine she knew would end her life. I ache for her husband, her family, those she loved and who loved her and shared life with her. I grieve for the journey they are now on as it is a difficult one. There is relief in knowing the one you loved fiercely is no longer suffering. But the grief of the loss can be overwhelming and unbearable at times.

Let us be mindful of those hurting and suffering, those facing decisions that we, probably in all honesty, pray we never have to face. Let's come beside those grieving and help carry their load. People need hope. They need their faith to be strengthened. They need to be hugged, squeezed. They need to be loved. And loved well.

Let's be ever so thankful.

Meet Benson

Many friends have asked that I share "all things Benson" so here we go!

Less than two weeks after my Mom passed away, I returned to TX. I went back to work and tried to gain any sense of normalcy that I could. I just wanted to focus on me and learn how to grieve, cope and adjust to such a huge loss. Earlier in the year, I decided to try an online dating website. Two weeks after I returned to TX, I logged in to my account to deactivate it.  I was in no shape to date nor was I interested in the thought. I went to my messages to clear them out and there was one from Benson. I opened it and replied back. (What am I doing??) I explained to him that I was closing my account but gave him my email address. (What am I doing??) A few days later, he emailed me. And I emailed back. I remember sitting at my computer after we had exchanged several emails and telling God that I was not ready for this. And God told me to trust Him. So I did. For a month, Benson and I emailed and exchanged phone calls and texts. We developed a friendship. We finally met and here we are. :) We both knew soon after we started dating that God was intertwining our paths for the purpose of making much of Him together.

Benson's love for me has taught me so much about Christ's love for me. He is so gracious that it humbles me. He is so funny, adventurous and fun to be around. He is patient and kind. Benson entered into my life when I was grieving terribly and painfully hard. So many times he would just hold my hand and tell me he was not letting go. He strives to always honor me and constantly puts me (and others) before himself. He is the sweetest gift of grace and a man truly after the heart of God. He inspires me, challenges me, encourages me. He is my best friend and the one whom my soul loves. I still have moments when I wonder if this is real b/c it is more than I could have ever imagined. God is so good and I am just overwhelmed and overjoyed by all He is doing! Thank You, Lord, for turning my weeping into gladness and for blessing me far more than I could ever ask or deserve. I am so, so thankful!

The ugly beautiful

I have somewhat been dreading this day all year. It is amazing how numbers put together can bring forth so much pain and heartache. 5/31. Yep, and I lose it. This is the ugly mentioned in the title. A year go today my Mom left this earth and entered into eternal glory. She was free from the disgusting disease of cancer that had consumed her body, free from frailty and pain. It has taken me almost all year to struggle through the reality of what this date means and the memories that come with it. And I have struggled. And it has been hard.

But today, I am focusing on the beauty of this day and the true reality that my Mom has perfect peace and is resting in the arms of our most loving Father. She is at home and knowing that, fills me with great joy. My prayer has been that God would keep me in the moment, abiding in Him and not get trapped in the emotions solicited by painful memories. It is easy to focus on 5/31/13 and become debilitated by the grief, the raw, horrible pain of my Mom dying. But I do not want to keep replaying that day, those moments, all the things I wish I could have done, should have done, wanted to do. I want to live now and cling to the hope of now- that God is always good, I am always loved and my Mom is living gloriously. Those truths have set me free from the bondage of guilt. I am still grieving, but it is not as raw or painful. I am learning to live through the loss and adjust to new normals. Every day is different and brings new challenges but also new graces. But the constant is God's faithfulness to me, His kindness towards me. He quiets me with His love and gives me strength to overcome and endure.

If you are struggling through grief and loss, I encourage you to keep.moving.forward. Take baby steps, crawl if you have to. Just keep moving. Celebrate the small victories, cling to what you know is true. Stay in the moment. Rest. Try to not become imprisoned by regrets or guilt. And don't punish yourself. It is amazing how hard we can be on ourselves b/c we are hurting. You are so loved even when you do not feel it. Today is a new day and it is so full of grace. Breathe it in, let it fill you with joy and just live. You will be ok. Actually, much better and stronger than you ever imagined.

Meaning behind the name

It seems fitting that I explain why I chose to name the blog "The joy of open palms" on the eve of Easter. This Easter, I will attend church with my fiancé and his precious family, have a wonderful Indian lunch and then rest and relax. Last Easter, I was in Alabama still trying to process and digest the reality that my Mom had just been diagnosed with cancer and was given a short time to live. *Breathe in, breathe out* While I was walking a painful, raw journey with my Mom, I re-read Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts." If you have not read this book, I urge you to read it. Here is a quote from the book that really challenged me:

“Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.”

So that became my motto in Alabama. I wanted desperately to have open palms, to accept with thankfulness, whatever the Lord chose to give OR take away. There is great joy in having this kind of trust in the Lord. Let me tell you right now that this is not always me. I sometimes fight to have joy and to trust. I am still journeying. I am still learning to live with my palms open. This blog will undoubtedly be a lot about my journey with my Mom and really, my journey of joy.

As Easter Sunday nears, I want to leave you with the beauty of grace and why the death and resurrection of Christ is all the more sweeter. My Mom never feared death. She knew after March 18th, 2013 that her days were numbered and yet, she chose to live. She had a quiet hope that shook my faith and humbled me. My Mom knew Christ as her Savior. She believed in the One who gave His life for her own. She knew her Redeemer conquered death and the grave. And that He LIVES. Two days before my Mom passed away, I began praying for the Lord to come get her. She was in somewhat of a coma stage and could not move, eat, drink, talk, etc. Remembering those days is quite painful but God answered my prayers. On May 31st, 2013, Jesus came for her and when she took her last breath, I walked outside and wept tears of thankfulness that He finally came for her. *deep breath* So this Easter, I would love to share with you the hope that my Mom had, the hope I have. I would be honored to share Jesus with you. And it is not because it is Easter. Let's be real. Every day we (should) celebrate the risen Savior and make much of Him. But why not Easter Sunday? May tomorrow be filled with His Presence as we seek to give Him glory in all things because He is always good. Always.

  For I know that my Redeemer lives. -Job 19:25

Here we go!

I am a blogger. Well, as of an hour ago (that's how long it took me to come up with a name) I have decided to blog. I have wanted to do this for a while and tonight just happens to be the night it becomes reality. Since it took so long to come up with a name, this will be short b/c I am pooped. If I can be a vessel of grace to just one person, my purpose of writing will be accomplished. I am not sure how often I will post but I am excited to get started. So, here's to a new adventure and the joys of sharing my life and God's redemptive work in me with you!