Grieving for the holidays

This is the time of year when families begin making plans for the holidays. Christmas movies are already playing on Hallmark. It is a countdown to shopping, festivities, and the anticipation of memories being made. It is also when I feel myself slowly climbing down the mountain. 

My Mom was a central part of Christmas for our family. My first one without her in 2013 was weird, and hard, and nothing I could have prepared. It was difficult in so many ways. 2014 came and I celebrated Christmas for the first time as a wife. Such joy! But also sorrow. I missed my Mom. And was sad to not spend it in AL with my Dad. I was worried about him. Here comes 2015. Benson and I spent Christmas in AL. And it was good. The grief wasn’t as raw and I had adjusted to our new Christmas normal without my Mom. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer the day before Thanksgiving of 2016. We took him for his treatments right before Christmas and celebrated big because life is fleeting. And then last year. Christmas was just not Christmas. I couldn’t get out of bed for half the day. I was heartbroken. It had only been less than three days since my Dad passed away and I couldn’t have functioned even if I tried. My body was grieving. 

I do not want to make me the center of the holidays. I really do not. If I could just play the background, I would. I know Christmas is about Jesus. After all, Christmas is when Jesus emptied Himself and became human like us. I reflect on that and then wrap my mind around the next sentence: I am feeling the most grief during a season where I celebrate the One who bore all of our griefs and sorrows. If anyone could possibly understand, it is Jesus. And Jesus is so near to me in my grief. He comforts me, sings over me, and quiets me with His love. I never shed a tear apart from His Presence. Fully known and loved. But mercy, the holidays can be hard to not just navigate but plan and prepare. I describe it as grieving for the holidays. 

So I begin my trek down the mountain. I don’t want to. I fight it. But I already feel myself grieving for what will be- Christmas without my parents. I cannot prepare for that. I grieve for what it may be. I had just adjusted to Christmas without my Mom. And now my sweet Dad. I miss him so. I miss them both. So I press in. With all my strength. To count it all joy. And to allow myself to feel and process. As I do, those running shoes I put on that were inching down the mountain slowly begin taking steps upward. And I do this on repeat until I am not climbing down. 

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I want you to try a few things as you grieve/prepare for the holidays:

*Every time you begin to feel overwhelmed or you can feel the grief building, just take a deep breath. Take several. Try to identify what triggered you and what you are feeling. And then excuse yourself, if necessary, and feel those emotions. Cry, weep if you need to. Lament to the Lord. And then return. It is important that you allow yourself to feel. 

*Take breaks. Take lots of breaks. Grief affects our minds, hearts, and bodies. You may feel more tired, have trouble putting thoughts together, or have a sudden onset of tears. Show yourself grace. 

*Set boundaries. Think through what you feel you will need to cope well. If you think you will need a quiet place to be alone, be mindful of that as you make plans to be in other people’s homes. You may need to not commit to certain activities or events. And that is ok. 

*Do not be afraid to vocalize how you feel and what you need. People may want to help but are not sure how. Let people love you well. You are not alone though it may feel that way. 

*Jesus. Just say “Jesus!” He is so near to you! The enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy you this holiday season. But Jesus. Even in utter sadness, Jesus wants you to experience abundant, joy-filled life through Him. He wants you to draw near to Him especially when you want to pull away. You weep. And wail. And cry out to God. You aren’t less than because you are grieving. Your tears do not mean you are not trusting God. Jesus wept because he loved (John 11:35) not because He lacked faith. You weep because you loved. 

*Count the ways. And celebrate! Be intentional with being grateful. You got out of bed when you did not feel it. Or you did that one hard thing that seemed unsurpassable. Victory! You saw a beautiful flower, heard a bird singing, received an unexpected text from a friend. Oh, how He loves us! Your favorite song came on the radio or you witnessed love being lived out. Praise God! 

*Try to do the things you love or those things that bring you joy. Help minister to the homeless. Help a family or friend in need. Sing Christmas carols at a nursing home. Go love on babies in the NICU. Donate to your favorite animal rescue. Go look at Christmas lights. Serve your neighbors who do not have family. Do any of these in memory of your loved ones. It will make it all the more special.

If you have a family member or friend that is grieving this holiday season, remember them and show them grace. Love them well.