I empathize with her not just from age or season of life (newly married) but from walking a similar journey neither of us would have chosen for ourselves. My Mom was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma in March of 2013. It is a rare cancer and by the time symptoms begin showing, it is almost always fatal. My Mom was given 3-6 months to live. She, like Brittany, could have received radiation treatments. But not to heal their bodies; only to buy time. My Mom chose to not endure the side effects of radiation but instead enjoy the time she had left. And she, too, wanted to die at home and not in a hospital.
Let me stop there and tell you that before March 2013, my perspective of Brittany's decision would have been very different. I would have lacked an understanding that I have now. I would have been quick to condemn her choice and would have likely wondered how in the world someone could do what she was choosing to do. Not now.
My Mom endured excruciating pain as the cancer destroyed her body. At one point, she was given the amount of morphine that is only administered in a hospital setting. And she was still in horrendous pain. She vomited everything that went in her body, including water. She tried so hard to be independent. She just wanted to live. Eventually, she would not be able to walk on her own or at all. Her final days were spent in what was almost like a coma but she was aware of her surroundings. She could not speak or move. She could not eat or drink. I cannot even express how unbearable it was to see her like this. I begged God to take her, to end her suffering. And on May 31st, He did. And I was by her side when she took her last breath. As well as her sister, my Aunt, who had selflessly put her life on hold to care for my Mom for almost three months.
My Mom did not face death with fear. She was so brave. She was confident in the hope she had and her peace was grounded in knowing her salvation in Christ was secure. My Mom wanted to die with dignity. She did not want people to see her as she withered away. She did not want to be debilitated by the cancer, to face the excruciating pain she knew would come. She did not want to lose the ability to care for herself, to have to be fed, bathed, changed by someone else.
I am so thankful that my Mom chose to endure and eventually overcome. Because she did overcome. She is no longer suffering and her body is whole. I am so thankful that my Aunt and I were by her side when she took her last breath. I am thankful my Mom ran the race, the whole race, and gave it all she had. I have thought about my Mom as I have reflected on Brittany's decision. I have wondered what it would have been like if my Mom had chosen at some point to die sooner than later. By the time she was diagnosed, my Mom was very sick. But cancer is tricky. There was about 4-6 weeks after being diagnosed, she functioned quite well. She was weak but was still able to maintain a good part of her independence. She was suffering terribly but able to push through the pain. Some days, we were so hopeful and even questioned if the doctors were right b/c my Mom seemed to be doing well. The last 3-4 weeks, though, we knew she was nearing the end. There is at no point during these 10 weeks that I would have wanted to miss out on any of it. It was my Mom's journey and even though it was filled with pain that cannot be measured or expressed, it was also filled with extraordinary faith, unshakeable hope and enduring love.
I was so scared that I would never remember my Mom before cancer. That I would always see her after cancer had destroyed her body. I feared I would forget what she looked like. But her broken body, destroyed by the ugliest of cancers, is beautiful. And it is an unrelenting picture of bravery and courage.
I do not condemn Brittany for the decision she made. I cannot imagine the weight she carried in making that decision and even more so, in taking the medicine she knew would end her life. I ache for her husband, her family, those she loved and who loved her and shared life with her. I grieve for the journey they are now on as it is a difficult one. There is relief in knowing the one you loved fiercely is no longer suffering. But the grief of the loss can be overwhelming and unbearable at times.
Let us be mindful of those hurting and suffering, those facing decisions that we, probably in all honesty, pray we never have to face. Let's come beside those grieving and help carry their load. People need hope. They need their faith to be strengthened. They need to be hugged, squeezed. They need to be loved. And loved well.
Let's be ever so thankful.
