The ugly beautiful

I have somewhat been dreading this day all year. It is amazing how numbers put together can bring forth so much pain and heartache. 5/31. Yep, and I lose it. This is the ugly mentioned in the title. A year go today my Mom left this earth and entered into eternal glory. She was free from the disgusting disease of cancer that had consumed her body, free from frailty and pain. It has taken me almost all year to struggle through the reality of what this date means and the memories that come with it. And I have struggled. And it has been hard.

But today, I am focusing on the beauty of this day and the true reality that my Mom has perfect peace and is resting in the arms of our most loving Father. She is at home and knowing that, fills me with great joy. My prayer has been that God would keep me in the moment, abiding in Him and not get trapped in the emotions solicited by painful memories. It is easy to focus on 5/31/13 and become debilitated by the grief, the raw, horrible pain of my Mom dying. But I do not want to keep replaying that day, those moments, all the things I wish I could have done, should have done, wanted to do. I want to live now and cling to the hope of now- that God is always good, I am always loved and my Mom is living gloriously. Those truths have set me free from the bondage of guilt. I am still grieving, but it is not as raw or painful. I am learning to live through the loss and adjust to new normals. Every day is different and brings new challenges but also new graces. But the constant is God's faithfulness to me, His kindness towards me. He quiets me with His love and gives me strength to overcome and endure.

If you are struggling through grief and loss, I encourage you to keep.moving.forward. Take baby steps, crawl if you have to. Just keep moving. Celebrate the small victories, cling to what you know is true. Stay in the moment. Rest. Try to not become imprisoned by regrets or guilt. And don't punish yourself. It is amazing how hard we can be on ourselves b/c we are hurting. You are so loved even when you do not feel it. Today is a new day and it is so full of grace. Breathe it in, let it fill you with joy and just live. You will be ok. Actually, much better and stronger than you ever imagined.